Helping Your Child Manage Stress

Stress. Whether you are an adult or a child, we have all gone through stress at some point in our lives. Children go through stress on a variety of different levels. There are family stressors, social stressors, and school stressors. For children, however, it is more difficult to spot stress. If you have a young child, they are not likely to walk up to you and say “Mom, Dad, I am feeling stressed out because…” Here are some things to look out for to determine if your child is experiencing stress:
- Acting Out: Often children will become moody and have low frustration tolerance.

- Withdrawing: When stressed, children may retreat and want to spend less time with friends or family and more time alone.

- Emotional: Children may cry over little things or seemingly nothing at all.

- Difficulty Sleeping: Children may have difficulty falling or staying asleep and may complain of being tired (more than usual).

- Somatic Symptoms: Children often complain of headaches, stomachaches, or nausea.

Too often these symptoms are overlooked or not taken seriously. The best way to help your children is to COMMUNICATE! What this does not mean is telling your child what to do or to “get over it.” What is does mean is to LISTEN. A child’s #1 complaint is that they do not feel as though they are being heard by their parents (especially teenagers). As a result, they do not want to talk to their parents, fearing ridicule, lecturing, or minimizing of their problems. So what can you do? Here are some tips to help reduce your child’s stress and to be there for them:

- Listen: Just be there. Do not immediately offer advice unless your child asks for it. Allow him or her a chance to vent and provide empathetic responses (“I can see how that could stress you out.”). Set aside some time at least once a week to check in with your children and find out how school is going, friendships, etc.

- Allow for breaks and fun time: If your child has a lot of homework, “chunk” it and allow them to take 15 minutes breaks for every certain amount of time they spend on homework ( example: every hour). Plan fun outings on the weekends or spend a day inside watching movies.

- Extracurricular activities: Have your child become involved in activities outside of school, but DON’T OVERSCHEDULE! You child needs a mental break and to be around kids in a fun setting. Exercise allows for stress relief.

- Journaling: Have your child keep a journal that he or she can write in when stressed. This allows him or her to “get it out,” instead of letting stress build up inside.

These are just some examples. If you believe your child is overly stressed or anxious, seek professional assistance.

Selective Mutism: What It Is and What You Can Do For Your Child

Selective Mutism is a disorder that is talked about often, but typically not much is known about it. According to SelectiveMutismFoundation.org, Selective Mutism is defined as follows:

"Selective Mutism is a psychiatric disorder most commonly found in children, characterized by a persistent failure to speak in select settings, which continues for more than 1 month. These children understand spoken language and have the ability to speak normally. In typical cases, they speak to their parents and a few selected others. Sometimes, they do not speak to certain individuals in the home. Most are unable to speak in school, and in other major social situations. Generally, most function normally in other ways, although some may have additional disabilities. Most learn age-appropriate skills and academics. Currently, Selective Mutism, through published studies, appears to be related to severe anxiety, shyness and social anxiety."

They key factor in Selective Mutism is that children DO talk in some situations, but not others. Most commonly, children with this issue have anxiety surrounding speaking to peers or adults in a school setting. Typically, children who have Selective Mutism may nod their heads in response to questions presented to them by either peers or adults. They may also prefer to write their responses on paper, rather than having to speak with those around them. Children often fear ridicule by their peers or fear the attention they will receive if they speak. The less they speak, the more peers typically ask them to speak, which leads to a cycle of anxiety and discomfort. Many times their anxiety is the result of a prior incidence of ridicule, at which time the child was teased because of their voice or something they said. Other times the child fears having people looking at and placing him or her at the center of attention. Most often the source of the anxiety is not as clear or is a combination of these and other factors.

The main mistake that most people make when trying to help their children is to force them to talk in the situations they fear. This only serves to increase the child's anxiety and does not help them overcome their fears. Treating Selective Mutism is a slow and steady process. You must work at the child's comfort level when setting up goals for interacting to ensure that they have positive experiences. As they become more comfortable, their goals can increase in difficulty. Before any goals can be set up, however, the child must learn coping skills and relaxation methods to control their anxiety before and during the interactions.

If you believe your child may have symptoms of Selective Mutism or another anxiety disorder, contact a professional for advice and assistance.

Teenagers and Arguments: Tips to Put Out Some of the Fires

Are families arguments a part of everyday life? Are you tired of every question you ask your teen becoming an argument? You are not alone! In my experience one of the top issues that come through my door is that parents cannot seem to communicate effectively with their child. The teen brain is actually not an enigma. Teenagers are going through a time when they are thinking differently and questioning limits that before were accepted. They are growing and figuring out their place. Unfortunately, parents get the brunt of these times of growth. Here are some helpful tips to get you through the school year and day to day life with your teen:

1. Set clear and consistent limits. If your teenager knows and understands what the rules are, and you do not change them without warning, they are more likely to follow them. Teens and people in general do better with some type of structure. When you go by the same rules all the time, there is nothing to question and you will not have the argument that begins with: "Last time you let me..."

2. Have consequences for when a rule is broken. If someone can get away with something they will. Let you teen know that, for example, if they come home at 11:10 rather than 11:00, there is a consequence. Make it fit the situation; for example, they have to come in an hour earlier next time or they can't go out at all the next time. When you stick to the rules so will our teenager.

3. Make sure that when a consequence is given all parents know what that is and understand it! Too often one parent is not informed about the consequence and allows the child to go out, use the cell phone, etc. Speak with your significant other and decide together what the consequence is for the behavior, how long, etc. If you give a consequence when the other person is not around, make sure the two of you have a conversation at some point to inform the other. Communication is key!

4. LISTEN! The #1 complaint I get from teenagers is that they do not feel as though they are being heard by their parents. Teenagers have wants, needs, problems, and other topics that they just need someone to hear. This does not necessarily mean they want advice! They may just want someone to listen and empathize with them. When they want input, they will ask. If you are open to hearing them and do not force information, they are more likely to give it to you freely.

If stressful situations are coming up too often or if you feel the conflict in your house has reached an uncontrollable point, contact a professional.

Remember, family time is important so try to save some time for your children!

Text Messaging Mania!

Cell phones, the best and worst creation invented. For adults on the go they are great. We can stay connected, we feel safe, and we can call anyone from anywhere! We can even keep track of our children. Along comes text messaging. It is such a craze that cell phones are now made with built in keyboards!

The problem with cell phones is what I like to call T3M: Teenagers Texting Too Much.

I cannot tell you how many families come in and one of their their biggest complaints is that their child text messages CONSTANTLY; they text during dinner, family time, in the car... I think you get my point. They are texting any time that used to be time for family members to speak to one another. They don't pay attention to conversation and they want no part of it, they simply want to text their friends.
It takes away from family time because a cell phone can come anywhere; it can come on vacation, to restaurants, in the car, anywhere parents used to be able to talk with their kids free from distractions.

Another issue is that teens have stopped interacting socially through the use of their words. They find it easier to interact with someone when they don't have to actually speak to that person. The problem is that they are relying on words that pop up on their cell phone screen, words that can be interpreted in many different ways and often incorrectly. This leads to miscommunication and conflict.

So what can be done? Here are a few tips to increase family time and decrease texting a cell phone use:

1.Cell phones are off limits during dinner time. Designate a place to put cell phones during dinner, ringers off, so that no one can see them or use them.

2. If you are going out to dinner with your family, make it a rule that your child's cell phone must stay at home or in the car. That way you can enjoy some much needed family conversation.

3. Designate family time. At least 1-2 nights per week for at least an hour during which the family spends time together free from cell phones. You can talk, play a game, take a walk outside, anything that your family would enjoy doing together.

If you think that your teen is texting too much here are some tips:

1. Cell phone time out. Give the cell phone, rather than the child, a time out. Put it somewhere out of reach for certain amount of time.

2. If texting is excessive, have them do chores or take care of other responsibilities around the house to earn the money needed to pay for the cell phone bill.

These are just a few little tips to help you with your cell phone woes. If you have any stories or comments, I welcome you to share them. Have fun with your kids!

The kids are home for summer...don't panic!

Summer is a time for fun, vacations, and relaxing. Kids are also home much more and often times this can cause chaos! There are things that can be done to help stop the problems before they start. Here are some helpful tips to keep your summer fun and less stressful:

1. Make sure your kids know how long they have for each activity. Timers work well, even just the ones on the microwave. When you are getting ready to go somewhere (store, daycare, etc.) make sure to give your children a warning: "Johnny, in 10 minutes we are going to be leaving." "Suzy, in 5 minutes you need to get your shoes on to go to the store." This prepares them and eliminates some hassle.

2. If you have younger kids (around ages 3-8)PLANNING is the key word. Make sure you have activities to do during the day. This can be as simple as an art project. Make it one that they work on throughout the week! This is a good activity because it can be used when it rains as well.

3. HELPERS! Kids of all ages(well at least up to about age 13!) love to help out. While making dinner, working on the yard, or any "adult activity" you can incorporate your kids. Ask them to be a special helper. They can help you cook food, set the table, hold a trash bag... anything! Make it fun and most importantly, provide lots of praise and be enthusiastic about it!

4. Know when to take a break. Sometimes parents need a break. Schedule a play date or an activity during which you as parents can get away. We all have our limits and it is important to recognize when you have reached yours!

These are just some of the tips to help make your summer more enjoyable. Of course there are many more! I hope this helps to ease some of the summer stressors for both parents and children! Enjoy!

Dr. Elise Abromson

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Welcome to Dr. Elise's Blog. Here, on a weekly basis, I will be sharing helpful information about numerous issues related to children, families, and psychology. If you would like to subscribe to my blog then you will receive updates by email when I update my blog. This will keep you well informed of the happenings at DoctorElise.com. Thank you for your interest and I hope you enjoy and learn from this blog.