Effective Arguments (YES! There is a such thing!)
How many times have you heard this:
"Go clean your room!"
"NO!"
"Do it now or your grounded!"
"I don't care if you ground me!"
Parents hear it all the time. Both the parent and the child are engaging in a battle of wills. Unfortunately, no one wins. The problem with these types of arguments is that both people involved are already angry. When both people are angry, logic and reason go out the window. The one motivation becomes to win and, like I just said, no one wins.
The first way to deal with these types of interactions is to stop them before they start. For example, if your child is in the middle of watching a television show or talking on the phone, give them a warning: "After this show is over (if on the phone: "in 10 minutes...") I need you to clean your room (take out the trash, etc.). By providing your child with a warning of time your child has the opportunity to finish what he/she is doing and then move on to the next task. By asking a child to do a task while they are in the middle of another activity, you are provoking them. They become irritated and feel as though what they are doing is more important and will therefore argue and talk back. With a warning, their needs are getting recognized and you are providing an appropriate transition. If at that time your child does not comply, then provide a warning for a consequence: "If you do not clean your room in 5 minutes, you lose your cell phone for the rest of the night until your room is clean." When providing a consequence, always make sure the original task gets accomplished. If not, the consequence is used as a way out of the task you asked him/ her to do.
What happens if you are already in an argument? Parents may need to take the lead in this or, if discussed previously, the child can do so also. Someone within the argument must realized that the conversation has gotten out of hand. As hard as it is, try to keep your voice at a normal talking volume. When one person yells, it automatically triggers the other person to yell. If your child is yelling at you, do not yell back. It is very difficult to yell at someone who is not responding in a similar fashion. When the argument gets out of hand, one person needs to end it by stating that nothing is getting accomplished, so a 5 minute cool off needs to be taken. After 5 minutes, the parent can then say, "Either do this task or else (consequence)." The punishment remains until the task is completed. Make sure it is a consequence that is meaningful! If your child text messages every day, then that should be the first thing to be removed.
After every argument there should be a time when the parent and child sit down and tell their sides, calmly, to each other. This may have to be the next day. It is important to do this to attempt to stop any future arguments by understanding where the person is coming from. Ask for suggestions from each other on how this could have been handled more effectively.
These are just a few suggestions to handling arguments. If you believe that your arguments are too out of hand, contact a professional for assistance. Other issues may be factoring into these arguments.
Remember, Dr. Elise can always be contacted for questions or to set up an appointment either by e-mail, drelise@doctorelise.com, or phone, (301) 712-9015 ext. 1018.
I hope you found this blog helpful, please feel free to leave comments or suggestions for future posts!
"Go clean your room!"
"NO!"
"Do it now or your grounded!"
"I don't care if you ground me!"
Parents hear it all the time. Both the parent and the child are engaging in a battle of wills. Unfortunately, no one wins. The problem with these types of arguments is that both people involved are already angry. When both people are angry, logic and reason go out the window. The one motivation becomes to win and, like I just said, no one wins.
The first way to deal with these types of interactions is to stop them before they start. For example, if your child is in the middle of watching a television show or talking on the phone, give them a warning: "After this show is over (if on the phone: "in 10 minutes...") I need you to clean your room (take out the trash, etc.). By providing your child with a warning of time your child has the opportunity to finish what he/she is doing and then move on to the next task. By asking a child to do a task while they are in the middle of another activity, you are provoking them. They become irritated and feel as though what they are doing is more important and will therefore argue and talk back. With a warning, their needs are getting recognized and you are providing an appropriate transition. If at that time your child does not comply, then provide a warning for a consequence: "If you do not clean your room in 5 minutes, you lose your cell phone for the rest of the night until your room is clean." When providing a consequence, always make sure the original task gets accomplished. If not, the consequence is used as a way out of the task you asked him/ her to do.
What happens if you are already in an argument? Parents may need to take the lead in this or, if discussed previously, the child can do so also. Someone within the argument must realized that the conversation has gotten out of hand. As hard as it is, try to keep your voice at a normal talking volume. When one person yells, it automatically triggers the other person to yell. If your child is yelling at you, do not yell back. It is very difficult to yell at someone who is not responding in a similar fashion. When the argument gets out of hand, one person needs to end it by stating that nothing is getting accomplished, so a 5 minute cool off needs to be taken. After 5 minutes, the parent can then say, "Either do this task or else (consequence)." The punishment remains until the task is completed. Make sure it is a consequence that is meaningful! If your child text messages every day, then that should be the first thing to be removed.
After every argument there should be a time when the parent and child sit down and tell their sides, calmly, to each other. This may have to be the next day. It is important to do this to attempt to stop any future arguments by understanding where the person is coming from. Ask for suggestions from each other on how this could have been handled more effectively.
These are just a few suggestions to handling arguments. If you believe that your arguments are too out of hand, contact a professional for assistance. Other issues may be factoring into these arguments.
Remember, Dr. Elise can always be contacted for questions or to set up an appointment either by e-mail, drelise@doctorelise.com, or phone, (301) 712-9015 ext. 1018.
I hope you found this blog helpful, please feel free to leave comments or suggestions for future posts!
Labels: anger, arguments, Children, consequences
